A little while back I attended a prayer ceremony of a friend which stirred up some thoughts that I have not been able to shake off. Thankfully so. Now I think it would be fair to confess I am a borderline atheist, so I approach festivals etc with a dose of skepticism and a drop of faith (hence the borderline). I (kinda) believe there is a God (or a force much greater than I) but organized religion and the blind following leaves me with a sense of distaste. The killings around the world in the name of (all) religions is not persuading me to change my mind either. The core “be good, do good” is a good one, but I find many get lost in the rules but forget their essence in their daily practice. If you pray all day but forget to help your neighbor who is now jobless, I struggle to identify with you.
Look at me, a whole paragraph off-topic. Squirrel! So, to get back to the ceremony, the priest spoke of how we should aim to be a “mali” not “malik” which translated means a “gardener” rather than a “boss”. She carried on using that metaphor about how instead of being in charge and ruling we should consider the roles of nurturers in life. This resounded so deeply with me for weeks afterwards. Last year I made big decisions to step away from relationships, which while having many strengths, had way too many draining drawbacks. I stepped back scared to be alone. Luckily I had a new network as a safety net. This worked great but I realized I still needed strength to be alone. Alone!
This year for reasons I could not fathom I found myself a little more alone. I had the option to seek more comfort in that safety net or to remain steadfast. What happened if I just stood still?!? What happened if I did not run around like a headless chicken asking “what/where” realizing that sometimes it is not about you, but about them. We all have a multitude of things happening in our life and sometimes we all act (whether intentionally or not) and start excluding people. What happens when we stop internalizing the doubts and chalk it up to a phase which may settle down. Or not! And be ok no matter which way it goes. This year I learned strength from truly standing alone. Alone comfortably. Alone happily (ok, still working to make that 100%, but getting closer).
Learning to deal with the awkwardness, the void, the pain, and the mystery. Learning to leave puzzles unsolved and just keep walking. Learning to send love and kindness not because they deserve it or not, but because it is you. Learning to realize that it may have been you, even if unwittingly you erred, and forgiving yourself even if you have no idea how.
There is this patch in my garden with a mixture of plants left by the previous owner and a few I’ve added along the way. This patch bugged me for the past 3 summers I’ve lived here. It is a has a plant that creeps over everything, including the new hibiscus I just planted. Every year I loathed how invasive it has been. Every year I watched how it had beautiful flowers which thwarted my plans to see their demise. Well yesterday I decided I had enough. While I extracted myself to grow and be happier than I have ever been, I watched those plants beneath this overgrowth not be so fortunate. I felt the creepers mocking me. I realized for all of their beauty, they clouded over the plants beneath. It felt like a slow shrouded death. I could feel their suffocation and plea for air. I slowly but surely yanked every one of the creepers.
No beauty is worth anything if it crowds another from blossoming. I’m my gardener, and here we all are meant to flourish. Every single one of us!