This past holiday season I received an invitation to an Ugly Sweater party. I squealed in excitement because I have always wanted to attend one. I thought of hosting one several times but I always felt everyone wanted to wear their fanciest to a party. So excitement drenched a party of one, even though 4 were invited, and I began on a Pinterest spree. Should I buy one? Frugal me squashed that idea so hard I could hear the air pop out of that idea. Should I borrow one? Years of using used clothing at 12 years old when I was a refugee makes me a tad uncomfortable with that one. I know, I know, but we all have our issues, and some of us have more than others, but I have a good side so bear with me.
That left making one, so Pinterest queen straightened out her tiara and got tapping and swiping and pinning. As the day got closer I was nowhere nearer a decision and my family dragging their own feet left me with a meltdown. Or two. I understood my family’s reactions, it was a mixture of “mom we’ll leave this to you” marinated with “we don’t know how we feel about the guests”. I guess I should elaborate a little on the last point. The hostess was someone I knew a long time ago, you the know the pre-kids, as in the time I had a waist? Yes, way back then. Along the way our paths got diverted further. A little (A lot). The complication was that those paths had been navigated by others and my biggest lesson was never to let that happen again.
So I was eager to please my friend as I was hoping to rediscover a forgotten friendship to see if this was one worth pursuing. My eagerness to please her was married in the fact that I know as a host when people dress and/or cook for my events (and I hold plenty) is one of the biggest thank yous. That gave me my outlet, if I could not focus on the dress I could on cooking. Cooking is my thing. It is the place I get lost in. The place I pack with love. The place I soak my time in. The place I carve out my creativity. The place I sketch out my zen. That was it.
We were supposed to bring a dish to share, and friends who know me know how ridiculous it is to ever limit me to one. I’m not sure if my friends have either just given up on expecting me to follow rules or just relish in the fact that they score extra food. Did I mention I’m a good cook? No, no, I have no place for false modesty, I may have body image issues, self esteem stigmas, but cooking? No, that I own that baby! Wholeheartedly!
So I cooked, and prepped, and the day dawned with us no closer to the decision on the dressing. What. To, Do???
Then something dawned on me. I don’t own sweaters so decorating them would be hard when YOU DON’T OWN THEM! Why did I not own them? Well I hate how I look in them, I find them not flattering to my figure. Every time I wore one I felt like a tent, and in fairness that may not be the sweater but just me. Anyway, so I was left in a quandary of what to decorate (we already established I’m not buying one which you would know if you didn’t skimp read). Back to Pinterest I went and I was already hating most of what I saw.
Then it dawned on me. I wanted to look pretty. Me, the person who spent a good part of her life not caring, wanted to look pretty. Guilt washed me as I realized how fickle that sounded. I wanted to wear a pretty dress. I wanted to brush my hair (ok neaten it at least). I wanted to wear makeup (well lipstick counts). I wanted to put my best self forward.
After a day or two of heehawing about it I decided to embrace that looking pretty was an understandable feeling. I spent over a decade sitting in one dilemma after another skimping on me. Time, money, and motivation would not allow it. The past 2 years I’m closer to being a person I actually don’t wince at every time I pass a mirror. I feel stronger than ever and while the journey is long, I’m happy. Happy with my body, my mental state, my family. Happy!
A pretty dress with a few ornaments would just have to do. Maybe one of my dishes is delicious enough for me to be forgiven. So while I love seeing everyone dress up, please excuse me while I skip the ugly as I feel I’ve been wearing a virtual ugly sweater for far too long.